Friday, January 10, 2014

notes to self, 1.10.14

Right, so... you're here. Physically, at least. And you're far from being alone, yet you feel so lonely. Here comes a waterfall of self-pity, shame, and hopelessness.

You know that you have to quiet your mind. You know it, you know it... you know of some things you can do--healthy activities--that are capable of calming you down completely. Yet those are the last things you feel like doing right now.

She loves you, right? And you love her. But that doesn't stop you from feeling alone, dejected, unwanted, and unworthy of all that is righteous. She loves you. So what? She's fast asleep on the other side of this monstrous ocean, and even if she were right here with you, she couldn't help you even if she tried. Only you can pull yourself out of this. The question is, do you want to do that?

You can't decide whether you're being too hard on yourself or not hard enough. Are your worries warranted, or should you be worrying more? Look at you. You're driving yourself insane. This is a vicious cycle that you've dealt with for quite a while now, yet you're still not used to it. You haven't learned yet that you need to move with the negativity rather than struggling against it. Struggle is no use. You'll always come back to these lows no matter what you do. There are bumps, ups and downs--that's the nature of being. It's no use trying to sustain whatever highs you experience. They're just as impermanent as the lows. Flow with it, baby... write yourself through it... allow your body and your mind to relax to the fullest extent possible.

You are who you are. You're so man things, yet you're changing every moment along with the rest of the universe. It's useless to cling to anything at all. Your thoughts harken back to high school. Sure, you've changed a lot since then. So much time and so many events separate you from the person you were four years ago. You're even a completely different person than the one you were six months month ago...a week ago....five minutes ago. Haven't you felt your mood shift drastically since you began writing this? Your thoughts aren't as panicked and maniacal as they were before. I guess I was wrong about do seem like you want to feel better. Hats off to you, good human. Don't worry. Keep doing what you're doing, as long as it's good for you in that moment. Keep flowing. Trust yourself. You really needn't worry...

This room is small. Too small sometimes. It makes you feel like a caged animal to be holed up in here for hours on end...artificial human contact whatsoever...representations of life on your computer really are a social being. It energizes you to have positive, fulfilling interactions with others. Let's try to make more room for that...oh, yes, you're already doing exactly that! Look at what you did today, and what you have planned for the weekend...well, good for you, old chap. Do carry on...

Bold actions are the cure for worry, at least in your case. Act like the mama duck does as she crosses the street--she doesn't wait for her ducklings to follow; they do so of their own accord. She is wise, and she knows this, so she doesn't look back once.

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